my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
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My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.