People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
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Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.