Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
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I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
those birds must be on payroll
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Seek kebab; not attention