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HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Grandmother clock.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
even bears disappoint their mothers
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
BRAKING NEWS!!
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏