Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
You Might Also Like
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
it be like that
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.