My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
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Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Check your privilege
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…