People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
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St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Shower sex be like:
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor