Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
You Might Also Like
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Am getting real tired of your crap…
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!