My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
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Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Meanwhile in Portland…
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
japanese corn
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.