Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
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If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
I don’t get marriage
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”