*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
You Might Also Like
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.