me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
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Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
do horses think humans are hats
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”