Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
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I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
they finally got him. they got macavity
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Lucky for them, they’re cute
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.