When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
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If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.