how do y’all walk in shallow water
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when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.