*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
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I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
The government even made aliens boring
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Merica.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.