I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
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Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
smh
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.