Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
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I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Social distancing in Australia:
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.