I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
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Me when someone tries to get to know me
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”