Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
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I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Thrilling chase underway
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
What
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch