If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
You Might Also Like
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Candles never taste the way they smell
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.