MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
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My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
BRAKING NEWS!!
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Boy never ceases to amaze me
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.