*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
You Might Also Like
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
hmmm
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.