“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
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[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.