A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
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SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
#Thanos #MondayMood
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
the three branches of government
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.