Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
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HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
LA today:
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.