*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
You Might Also Like
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.