Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
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Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.