I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
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Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice