I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
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BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city: