Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
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Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Canadian owl: Eh?
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal