[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
You Might Also Like
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.