Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
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What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no