Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
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*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.