Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
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Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.