My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
You Might Also Like
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
From Facebook just now…
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Had to try this trend 😊
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby