The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
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[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
life finds a way
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
The French word for sex is croissant.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller