Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
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I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.