I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
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A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.