Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
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[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
omg leave her alone
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
shampoo implies shampee
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.