…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
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I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit