JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
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When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?