[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
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my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room