Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
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To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.