The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
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I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Need this in my life lol
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.