Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
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Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
<- sleeps well with others
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”