Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
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me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet