I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
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Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Mistakes were made
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.