If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
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domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
this country is so goddamn polarized
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.