Social distancing in Australia:
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accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
c’mon!
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*